"Maturity, one discovers, has everything to do with the acceptance of 'not knowing.'"—Mark Z. Danielewski, House of Leaves
As a Virgo, first-born and a person of mainly German descent, I have always been someone who has to have life go according to plan. Any deviation from the plan brings on a wave of stress and anxiety... you know: the fidgeting, the vague feeling of nausea, the feeling of impending doom... how is it that I'm also an artist? Because I got into graphic design, where not only can be as anal-retentive as I need to... I'm actually praised for it. Actually, I think I've become a lot more flexible over the past decade or so (like I said, that's what I think), but it seems that over the past year or so, all hell has broken loose and now I am FORCED to not know what happens next. It's a very different dynamic, a little exciting even, and it's given me a whole new perspective and a renewed trust in the Universe — but in spite of my newfound "spontaneity..." I don't decide what to wear until the last minute, and sometimes shower in the afternoon after I've gotten some chores done, instead of first thing in the morning... woo hoo — I am scared shitless.
Most of this big warp in my own personal time-space continuum occurred a few months ago when I found myself without a job. Granted, I had wanted to get out of there anyway and had been fervently looking for something else for half a year, but once I was actually kicked to the curb... well, come to think of it, I was relieved. Relieved, that is, for about five minutes until panic mode set in and I wondered where my next meal would come from. Okay, it wasn't actually that bad... but for an anal Virgo first-born etc. it was a mild shock. The ironic thing was, for several months prior to my dismissal I was considering becoming a full-time freelance designer... I just didn't quite have the courage to make the leap. And so, as sometimes happens, the Universe gave me a subtle push in that direction. Actually, it was more of a forceful kick in the ass. So here I am, taking freelance work whenever it's offered, worried about money when the assignment runs out... doing exactly what I wanted to do, but way before I was ready. And you know what? I haven't once had a problem paying the old bills. Well, not as much of a problem as I once thought.
This new wild and crazy existence of mine has begun to be reflected in subtle ways in my art, also. For the first time, I'm really learning to work with a medium, to explore what it can do, to find ways around what it can't do, and to really enjoy the process of discovery, instead of just wanting to get it done. I'm learning to create beauty from really learning to work with the tools and trying mainly to express raw emotion or developing the spark of an idea, instead of just trying to make a "perfect" picture. Although I'm still a stickler for anatomical correctness and accurately mapping out perspective, I am learning to let go a little and have some fun... and now I'm just beginning to create some of the best work I've ever done, which I hope to have on here soon. So now, let's celebrate maturity and drink to the beauty of "not knowing!"
